she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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