What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
