I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just invented taco cereal.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
