I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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