$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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