I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
