"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
