Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize