New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
