you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
