All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
