Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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