If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
