How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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