I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is it because I queefed?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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