nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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