Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
