final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize