He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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