In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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