Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
