Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
