u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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