Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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