Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the condom got lost in my hair
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize