Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
