I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
