My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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