before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
