I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
