my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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