Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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