Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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