Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize