I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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