when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
