Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
