Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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