My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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