Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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