I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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