It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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