Who wears a wallet chain?!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize