i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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