just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
how drunk are you?
Several
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
