ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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