I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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