Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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