So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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