my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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