I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
