The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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