You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
