After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
