coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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