from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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