she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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