One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
