I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
