i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I bet he comes in French.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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