If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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