My hand turned me down
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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