Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
