I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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